Given the latest polls, I think it’s time to prepare ourselves for the inevitable: Donald Trump will be the Republican Party’s nominee for president in 2016. In fact, confidence inside the Trump operation is so high that they have already drafted the acceptance speech that he will give at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland on July 21, 2016, barely one year from today.
The following is the text of that speech, leaked by sources in the Trump campaign who requested anonymity:
“Thank you. I’ve done an amazing job, haven’t I? Thank you. This is beyond anybody’s expectations.
These pundits — very stupid people, these pundits — they said Donald Trump could not win this nomination. Unbelievable. They said too many people don’t like me. Foolish. People love me. I’m rich. I’m not saying that to brag, because you know what? I don’t have to brag. I don’t have to, believe it or not. Because I have a net worth of $8,737,540,000.
That’s the kind of thinking our country needs. We need that thinking. I’m rich and everything I do is the best. I build a hotel — it’s the best hotel. I build a golf course — it’s the best golf course. I build things very very well.
This nomination — which I love — I got it for two reasons. Number one, I’m really smart. Number two, the other people were stupid. Unbelievably stupid. And I’ll add in the third, people love me.
So. Hillary Clinton. She called me to congratulate me, very nice. Said she was thrilled to have me as her opponent. Very nice. Haven’t seen her since my third wedding. But nobody will be tougher on Hillary than Donald Trump. Nobody. Believe me, folks. We will do very, very well, very, very well.
Foreign policy. Hillary is terrible. Just terrible. This Iran deal, she says she likes it. Well, she didn’t write “The Art of the Deal.” National best-seller. Very good book. When I’m president, I will say this to Iran:: ‘Give us all your oil, or we bomb you.’ Very simple. They have oil. We have bombers. Very simple. Make America great again. Nobody else can do this.
I would call up the president of Mexico, who I know. And he would try to call me back, but I wouldn’t take the call. I would make him wait. I would make him wait two days, three days, just to show how unimportant he is. Then maybe I would agree to take his call. And then I would say, “Stop the rapists.” Very simple. Why hasn’t anyone thought of this? They’re certainly not any good.
So, I see Reince Priebus over there. Party chairman. Very interesting. He calls me last year, after I announce that I’m running. I take his call. He begs me. “Please please please, stop telling the truth about the Mexicans.” That’s what he tells me. Who ever heard of this? Some people would say he’s incompetent. I would not say that. Eh, yes I would. Reince, you’re fired. Just kidding. I love Reince. But he needs to find a new job. Have to do it.
I see everything through. I want something, I take it.
So. I think it’s funny: These failed governors and failed senators — how many of them, 12, 15, 20? — they tried to win. They tried to beat me, but they’re horrible. Horrible. Not leaders. Overrated. They’re not good. They think they are. But they’re not good. Somebody said I am the most popular person in America because I am speaking the truth. These other people, they didn’t speak the truth. That’s why they lost. They’re losers. They’re scared, these other people. And voters, they know that.
Now these same people call me up, want to meet with me. Ted Cruz — who I love — called me this morning. Says he found his birth certificate. I don’t know. Marco Rubio — he came to my suite — a very nice suite, by the way. “Please please please,” they beg. “Let me be your vice president.” No. Maybe I don’t need a vice president. Joe Biden? What does he do? Can somebody tell me? No. Vice president is for losers. Who needs a loser around?
According to the consultants— who I’m not big believers in, but, nevertheless, this is what they’re saying — my campaign needs more publicity. So I have this idea. I think it’s very good. The vice president, the guy’s an apprentice. The apprentice president. So. We start this TV show, “The Vice President,” and people compete for the job to be apprentice president. Very good show. Very entertaining. The winner is vice president for a year. Sign up on my websites. I have so many websites. I hire people, they do a website. It costs me $3. PresidentTrump.org. Go there.
So, to sum up, I will do various things very quickly. Iran, take their oil. Venezuela? Take their women. Have you seen their women? I own the Miss Universe contest — very good investment by the way, very good — and the contestants from Venezuela … very interesting. I would date their women. Their women — they call me, they beg a little, please please please. But I don’t date them. But I would. Very beautiful. Everybody loves me. That I can tell you.
So. Thank you. Thank you for this nomination. Watch my new television show. And why are we holding this convention in Cleveland? There is no Trump Hotel in Cleveland. Very foolish. When I get elected president I will bring Cleveland back bigger and better and stronger than ever before, and we will make America great again.
Our country needs a truly great leader, and we need a truly great leader now. I’m rich. Everybody loves me. The Hispanics will vote for me in droves. What could go wrong?