(EDITOR’S NOTE: This piece is getting renewed attention, but it should be noted that it was written and published a year ago, in January 2016.)
“Thank you. Thank you. I have to say, nice building, this Capitol. Nice room. But too old-fashioned, don’t you think? I do this all the time. I acquire these rundown old properties, I buy them cheap, I bring in my decorators, we fix it up. More mirrors, more gold trim, a nice statue of me … we’ll have it looking beautiful. Come back next year, you’ll be amazed.
There’s our new First Lady, Melania, up in the balcony. First supermodel in the White House. Amazing no one thought of it before. See that empty seat next to her? That’s for Ted Cruz. Not here anymore. Nice guy. Smart guy. Everything I say, he agreed with me. Everything I say. So I said go back to Canada, Ted, where you belong.
So Ted, he’s the first immigrant I deported. More to come, I promise you that. We have to do it. Ted can run for prime minister up there, he’ll do great. Cold, but great. It’ll be good for him.
And there’s one more empty seat. Right behind me, next to Speaker Pelosi. (And can you believe the face on that one?) That seat’s for my new vice president, Marco Rubio. He never showed up here when he was a senator, so I told him, why should you show up now? Stay home. Get yourself a nice glass of water, take off those high-heels, turn on the Home Shopping Network. Such low energy.
OK, so North Korea. Believe me, I can take care of North Korea in my back pocket. What’s his name, the leader guy? Kim Long Dong? Something like that. Such a fat boy. Disgusting to even think about, so fat. You see his haircut? Terrible. Horrible. How can you have a country with a leader with a haircut like that. So they claim to have a hydrogen bomb? Who gave them the hydrogen? I say no more hydrogen to North Korea. Problem solved. Such an easy answer, nobody thought of it but me.
ObamaCare? Obamacare is now repealed. There, I said it. I did it. Already the country is greater. All these votes you people took in Congress, vote after vote after vote. Accomplished nothing. I’m here a week, I’m the president, it is now repealed. It’s easy — executive order. I promise, you will see so many executive orders that you won’t believe it. You people in Congress should just go home, because you will have nothing to do. Seriously. You can come back in eight years. Maybe. I haven’t decided — maybe eight, maybe 16. Whenever I think Ivanka is ready to take over.
So, where was I? No ObamaCare, did I say that? I did? Good. We will come up with something that is so much better than ObamaCare, and Mexico is going to pay for it. Or maybe China, I haven’t decided. What do you think? Should we make China pay for it? Or maybe Britain. They say I can’t go to Britain. They had a vote a year ago and said I couldn’t go to Britain. The whole place is Muslim now anyway. A no-go zone, the whole place. I get that from so many people.
So. Last thing. All of you in Congress? Clear out your desks, take any personal items with you. You too. Yes you, the old ones in front in the robes. I mean, who wears robes in public anymore? What, is this a bathhouse? Ridiculous.
I — I mean we — we’re going to be so strong, so powerful. We’re going to do it so much faster than anyone thinks possible, I will tell you that. You’re not going to believe it. Good night, America. Good night.