A preview of the 2017 State of the Union, by President Trump

donald_thumbs_up

(EDITOR’S NOTE: This piece is getting renewed attention, but it should be noted that it was written and published a year ago, in January 2016.)

“Thank you. Thank you. I have to say, nice building, this Capitol. Nice room. But too old-fashioned, don’t you think? I do this all the time. I acquire these rundown old properties, I buy them cheap, I bring in my decorators, we fix it up. More mirrors, more gold trim, a nice statue of me … we’ll have it looking beautiful. Come back next year, you’ll be amazed.

There’s our new First Lady, Melania, up in the balcony. First supermodel in the White House. Amazing no one thought of it before. See that empty seat next to her? That’s for Ted Cruz. Not here anymore. Nice guy. Smart guy. Everything I say, he agreed with me. Everything I say. So I said go back to Canada, Ted, where you belong.

So Ted, he’s the first immigrant I deported. More to come, I promise you that. We have to do it. Ted can run for prime minister up there, he’ll do great. Cold, but great. It’ll be good for him.

And there’s one more empty seat. Right behind me, next to Speaker Pelosi. (And can you believe the face on that one?) That seat’s for my new vice president, Marco Rubio. He never showed up here when he was a senator, so I told him, why should you show up now? Stay home. Get yourself a nice glass of water, take off those high-heels, turn on the Home Shopping Network. Such low energy.

OK, so North Korea. Believe me, I can take care of North Korea in my back pocket. What’s his name, the leader guy? Kim Long Dong? Something like that. Such a fat boy. Disgusting to even think about, so fat. You see his haircut? Terrible. Horrible. How can you have a country with a leader with a haircut like that. So they claim to have a hydrogen bomb? Who gave them the hydrogen? I say no more hydrogen to North Korea. Problem solved. Such an easy answer, nobody thought of it but me.

ObamaCare? Obamacare is now repealed. There, I said it. I did it. Already the country is greater. All these votes you people took in Congress, vote after vote after vote. Accomplished nothing. I’m here a week, I’m the president, it is now repealed. It’s easy — executive order. I promise, you will see so many executive orders that you won’t believe it. You people in Congress should just go home, because you will have nothing to do. Seriously. You can come back in eight years. Maybe. I haven’t decided — maybe eight, maybe 16. Whenever I think Ivanka is ready to take over.

So, where was I? No ObamaCare, did I say that? I did? Good. We will come up with something that is so much better than ObamaCare, and Mexico is going to pay for it. Or maybe China, I haven’t decided. What do you think? Should we make China pay for it? Or maybe Britain. They say I can’t go to Britain. They had a vote a year ago and said I couldn’t go to Britain. The whole place is Muslim now anyway. A no-go zone, the whole place. I get that from so many people.

So. Last thing. All of you in Congress? Clear out your desks, take any personal items with you. You too. Yes you, the old ones in front in the robes. I mean, who wears robes in public anymore? What, is this a bathhouse? Ridiculous.

I — I mean we — we’re going to be so strong, so powerful. We’re going to do it so much faster than anyone thinks possible, I will tell you that. You’re not going to believe it. Good night, America. Good night.

Reader Comments 0

1065 comments
Christian37
Christian37

It looks like we will get more done in the first two weeks of Trump than we did in 8 years of Obama.  We are sick of gridlock, let's get things done for America.

Karina James
Karina James

We will "make America be laughed at again" That`s all Trump already achieved. I read the article. It is satire, but I would not doubt Trump says something like that.

Stewart Coleman Speights
Stewart Coleman Speights

Here's an example of how stupid Trump is.....He gave a interview to The London Sun Times. The interviewer asked him "how does it feel to have German blood running through your veins"? Trump's answer was "I love Germany, I love the UK". The UK?!! Am I the only one that thinks he needs a crash course in geography?

Angela Rowe
Angela Rowe

He's needs a crash course in too many things to list.

Mike Phillips
Mike Phillips

It is of no concern of mine what Putin's Puppet might say.

Cody Houseman
Cody Houseman

I imagine it as partially plagiarized, partly over-exaggerated, mostly vapid

Cory Jones
Cory Jones

" I told yous,this was going to be "Yuge" . Not as "Yuge" as that very very not so good,fat pig Rosie O'Donnell. I "sawr" in the the fake news there would be free safety pins and Kleenex,some for your tears,some if ya grab them by... The way ,want ya to know get ready to reap it cause daddy's home." I'm hoping what he says.

Rich Rodgers
Rich Rodgers

We will have the greatest growth of employment in the next four years in many decades. Don't miss out this on this opportunity.

Rich Rodgers
Rich Rodgers

96,000,000 job eligible Americans not working today...

Max Ruso
Max Ruso

Who needs jobs...Open your own company. Stop being lazy

Max Ruso
Max Ruso

Job excuse is one level up from welfare babies) excersise the mind

Max Ruso
Max Ruso

Just bored...Smart people should be able to navigate in any environment... Manufacturer jobs are for non thinkers.. Skills is what one needs not jobs

Amanda Brannon
Amanda Brannon

Probably sound just like Obama's first SOU ... Word for word

Patricia Pilar
Patricia Pilar

I imagine it will be via Twitter. #commanderintweet

Nika Brown
Nika Brown

It's going to be really really big, more bigly than you even know

David Cuberos
David Cuberos

Like anxiously awaiting STD results when you clearly have sores all over your junk.

clmarkey
clmarkey

Loved it. You nailed him perfectly! The scary part is he actually has people who think he would be a good president???

Ken430TX
Ken430TX

What an asinine attempt at political commentary.  And you get paid to write this drivel?

fedup52
fedup52

Yesterday: Obama's diplomacy says:

In your face Boehner and Bibi Nitanyahu.

DownInAlbany
DownInAlbany

Obama's final State of the Union sounded more like Obama's Bedtime Stories.

Paul42
Paul42

@SFM_Scootter

But he did offer Republican candidates the benefit of his experience about how to win in New Hampshire and Iowa.

Nice guy, helpful even to his opponents.

;-)


fedup52
fedup52

 She said this:

"We cannot continue to allow immigrants to come here illegally. And in this age of terrorism, we must not let in refugees whose intentions cannot be determined."

Nothing objectionable there.

I was at a men's breakfast two Sundays ago.  What impressed me when he said something like this.

"We tend to take bits and pieces of the bible to justify our point of view.  Most of us don't take the whole teachings of the bible".

Philo the first sentence typifies your way of thinking.

In totality the RW will not like Nikki.

Paul42
Paul42

@fedup52

I used the same concept to my teens' Sunday School class.  Used an example of how many people look at it as the separate strands in a box of spaghetti, it's all spaghetti but all separate.  What people should do is look at it like spaghetti after it's been cooked and draining in the colander - all intertwined and connected.

Y'know, fedup52, all the cons here know we're lying, because they've said many, may times progressives, libbies, whatever are not and can not be Christian, religious, etc.


Visual_Cortex
Visual_Cortex

@fedup52

Posturing to provide the appearance of moderate balance to whatever nutjob they nominate.

KUTGF
KUTGF

@Paul42 @fedup52 I am glad that you accept my God for all his noodily goodness.  May your sauce always cling to your noodles.  Remember, God goes better with cheese.

Now to find me some pirates!

FIGMO2
FIGMO2

Late response to Cherokee County...

A surprise?

Obama focused on the political divisions. Giving Trump air time during a SOTU speech? Though he didn't mention his name, Trump was woven throughout his SOTU.

For the last seven years, Obama has contributed to that division, but nooooooo, he takes none of the blame and instead, dishes it out as usual.

Haley spoke to Americans offering solutions as to how we overcome the NOISE.

Stark difference between Obama/Trump and Haley.

Obama is a lot like Trump, you just refuse to acknowledge it. 

Cherokee51
Cherokee51

@FIGMO2

Hey one more thing.  I know you dislike Trump - perhaps even more than you dislike Obama.


Yet for now he leads in the polls.  I would think you would be glad that he - as well as Governor Haley - called him out.

FIGMO2
FIGMO2

@CherokeeCounty @FIGMO2

Bill Clinton got things done with a Republican house.

Ronald Reagan got things done with a Dem house.

Obama couldn't get out of his own way long enough to get things done.

Blame only takes a person so far. At some point, the catcher has to consult with the pitcher if the game's to be won.

FIGMO2
FIGMO2

@foo2u

By teaching people like you to use his race to fight back.


Cherokee51
Cherokee51

@FIGMO2

Well you're correct there.  I do refuse to acknowledge it.

Because it isn't true.  I gave you several examples the other day of specific situations where Obama tried to work with Republicans.  In every case, his efforts were rejected.  So he did 'stuff' on his own.

And good for him.

BuckeyeGa
BuckeyeGa

@Figmo,

When the leaders of the Republican party pledged not to work with Obama,that was different then Reagan and Clinton

honested
honested

@BuckeyeGa 

Night and day difference...

The difference in Supporting America First and supporting party/funders first.

FIGMO2
FIGMO2

@BuckeyeGa

Oh puhleeze! Right out of the gate, January 23, 2009.


President Obama listened to Republican gripes about his stimulus package during a meeting with congressional leaders Friday morning - but he also left no doubt about who's in charge of these negotiations. "I won," Obama noted matter-of-factly, according to sources familiar with the conversation.

The exchange arose as top House and Senate Republicans expressed concern to the president about the amount of spending in the package. They also raised red flags about a refundable tax credit that returns money to those who don’t pay income taxes, the sources said.

Story Continued Below

The Republicans stressed that they want to include more middle class tax cuts in the package, citing their proposal to cut the two lowest tax rates — 15 percent and 10 percent — to ten percent and five percent, rather than issue the refundable credit Obama wants.

But perhaps taking a cue from Obama’s “I won” line when Democrats were asked if they were concerned about Republicans blocking the package, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid had a swift one-word answer: “No.”


goat diddler
goat diddler

Contributed how? By trying to do what he told the American people he would do? Or by being black?