Under the theory that it is best to confront your fears, I present the speech by Donald Trump that I hope we don’t hear later tonight:
“So amazing. So amazing. Unbelievable. Can you believe it? Nobody believes it…. Are we going to Make America Great Again or what?!!!
I mean — it’s such an important – some people are saying that it’s one of the most important elections, well actually, THE most important election in the whole history of the world for a lot of reasons, not just that I’m the president — well, mainly because I’m now the president, but for a lot of reasons.
But honestly — we have to be honest here, right? — mainly because I’m the president. It’s amazing. When you’re the president, you can do anything. You can just walk up and to a beautiful woman and … I’m gonna need more Tic Tacs.
All the phone calls we’re getting, all the congratulations. Crooked Hillary, she calls me, just a few minutes ago. She congratulates me, tells me that she accepts the verdict of the American people. “Yeah, yeah,” I say, “whatever, Hillary.” What a loser! I guess now we won’t need any Second Amendment remedies. Nice. Saves on ammunition. I think that’s very nice, OK? Besides, now that I’m the president, we can do it all officially. She’s so guilty. So guilty.
(Chants of “LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP!!”)
‘What do you think? Should I do that? OK. Where’s our new attorney general? Where’s Giuliani? Rudy, get to work on that right away. A nice orange jumpsuit, I think, very fashionable. I tell you, this is just the start of so much winning, so much winning we have to do.
Oh, there’s the media out there. See them back there, all those reporters? Terrible people. Traitors really. Big problem, big problem. They don’t want to make this country great again. They’ll probably be writing that I joked about shooting that nasty woman. So inaccurate. So irresponsible. We’ll be fixing that, believe me. So fast it’ll make your head swim. All the irresponsible things they write and say, we’re gonna fix it so they can’t say these terrible things anymore. It’s so easy. In this campaign, I take all of their slings and arrows gladly for you, I can tell you that. But no more.
We have no choice. We have no choice. We have to protect our freedom. What an amazing movement going on. A movement like they’ve never seen before.
And Paul Ryan. I get this call a few minutes ago, they say it’s the speaker. And I say “what speaker?” They say Paul Ryan. I say, ‘He’s not the speaker. He’s out. Tell him to stay in Michigan or Minnesota or wherever he’s from. I want a new speaker.” Then somebody says that I can’t do that, so you know what I say? I tell that somebody, “I’m the president, and you’re fired! But first, get me more Tic Tacs!”
Because now I’m the president. Paul Ryan, you’re fired too!
This is fun. When do I get the football, with all the nuclear codes? Anybody know? General Flynn? I can’t wait until I get the football. And where’s Newt? There he is. Come on out here, Newt Gingrich. America, meet your new secretary of state! So diplomatic. I promised you the best people, I didn’t forget!
Has Putin called yet? He hasn’t? You gave him my number, right? Maybe we should we call him first. I think maybe we should. He might be waiting on me. We shouldn’t keep him waiting. Newt, do they have Tic Tacs in Russia? We should take some with us. I could show Putin my football, maybe let him touch it. Is my football bigger than his? I hope so. So amazing. Ahh-rent I amazing, folks?”